Just Call Me Deelishious

Happy Monday all! I trust you all had a decent weekend at least. Share the details in the comments section. My weekend was very interesting. I went pole dancing people! That's right you read correctly, I went pole dancing!

Here is what happened, my girl Clueless has a sister who's birthday was Saturday. To celebrate said birthday she decided to have a pole dancing party so Clueless, Crazy and I saddled up and went. I have to be honest, I was a little apprehensive at first. Naw, I'm lying, I was down right scared but I soldered on anyway.

We got there and slowly but surely the women started filing in. There was a vast age range of women there from 19 all the way to 60+. It was great. We all received "stripper" names for the evening and could only refer to each other with those names. My name was Deelishious. Ummm, yeah.

After eating the pole dancing commenced. The instructor "Drill Sargent" was a cute, bubbly young woman with a booty and legs I would kill for. I liked her instantly. She showed us various moves and I was in awe. The chick can work a pole.

Then it was our turn to demonstrate what she had just taught us. Yeah right! I wasn't going up there to make a fool of myself, are you kidding me? I have to admit the 60 year old women were working the hell out of that pole!

They gave us raffle tickets and called out names when it was our turn to work the pole. They did it in 4 groups of 5 so you were not alone. Cool. At the end of the each groups' session the crowd, by way of claps and cheers, would determine the 2 winners of the group who did the best and they received a prize. The third group was called and BAM! There was my number. I sat there frozen for a minute. Did this woman just call my number? I'll just sit here and pretend it's not my number I thought. I reviewed the other performances in my head and thought, "Hell, I couldn't be any worst then some of these chicks I saw" so I decided to stand up and go for it. I assumed my rightful place next to my pole and the music and instruction began. I did what Drill Instructor told me, spinning and gyrating and going on and felt I should be banned from ever looking at a pole much less trying to dance on one. After we were done the judging began.

Guess who one of the two winners from my group were? Yah damn skippy! It was yours truly! Can you believe the crowd chose ME? I couldn't stop laughing because I totally didn't expect it.

I think I found a new career people. Just call me Deelishious.

Is That A Banana In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

We have all at some point gone out on a night on the town with our besties. A night of dancing, eating perhaps and drinking and God knows what else. There were laughs and memories created that last a lifetime. I love hanging out with my friends and wish I had the opportunity to do it more often. I really need a new group of friends but I digress…where was I? Oh yeah.

Anyway, on one such night several years ago my bestie at the time and I decided to venture out to a hot spot in DC. Trying to park in DC is hell but once we finally did locate a parking spot we walked into the club to find it was packed, wall to wall people everywhere. No problem, I can adapt.

This club was dark, smoky and had laser lights streaming from the ceiling. It had 3 floors so of course we had to check out the happenings on each and every floor. One of the floors had some hard hitting bass and fast paced rhythmic music playing so I was all too ready to get on the dance floor and shake my butt around for awhile.

This one young man (and I used the term loosely) asked me to dance. I guess witnessing my fist pumps, head bobs and stomps gave him the sense that I needed to get to that dance floor immediately so I grabbed his extended hand and he led me to the floor. We twisted and dipped and slid all over the floor. It was a lot of fun. Then all of a sudden BAM! A slow song comes on. If any one knows me they would know that unless you are my man I don’t dance to a slow song but against my better judgment I decided to go ahead and dance with this guy. Things were fine for a while then all of a sudden I could feel his hips moving a little more then they were initially. Next I could feel something poking out at me from his pants and he kept trying to rub it against me! I jumped back to put some distance between us because obviously dude was getting a little too into the dance. Every time I would step away from him he would step up closer. I was like “Dude, if you don’t back that thing away from me we are going to have a situation on our hands.”

He backed up then when the song was over I ran away from that dance floor as fast as I could.

I thought grown ass men were able to control their hard on’s. Men, just as an FYI, that’s just nasty.

I Don't Look Like I Can Cook

Awhile ago I was in a festive mood and decided to throw a little shindig at my abode and invite some friends over to partake. I have no idea what got into me but you can bet your sweet patooty that has never happened again. Anyway, I was feeling extra warm and fuzzy and took it upon myself to cook all of the food for this gathering myself as opposed to having guests bring a dish. I'm thoughtful that way.

So one by one all of my guests arrive and things are going along swimmingly. There is food, music, games and stories. Nice time was being had by all.

As the evening progressed I found myself in the kitchen talking to a few guests. One young lady who was a friend of a friend that was invited said to me, " I was a little worried about the food."

I gave her a sideways glance and asked, "Huh?" Clearly the only appropriate response to such a statement.

She goes on to further say, "You just don't look like someone that could cook." What the hell?

I mean seriously......

What a Way To Come Out

Before I get to my post of the day I just want to remind you that it's that time of year again!!!! The 3rd annual The Diva's Thoughts Top 10 Sexiest Women and Men Alive! I want you all to nominate who you feel is the sexiest man and woman alive. Votes submitted in the comments section will be tabulated and the winner will be announced next week so get to voting!!!

Now, on to the post for today. Several years ago I worked for a small training company as one of a few trainers on staff. We were a pretty close knit bunch. In fact I am still really good friends with one of the other trainers there named K.

Well there came a time when I felt I needed to move on to greener pastures. I found a new job and tendered my resignation.

Fast forward two weeks later and my final day had arrived. My coworkers decided to take me to dinner after work at this little local restaurant as a good bye/celebration. Who am I to say no to a party especially when it's in my honor so you bet I was there with bells on! We had a good time. The dinner was winding down but it was still early in the evening. One of my fellow coworkers named Terry decided she didn't want the party to end and suggested we go to a bar afterward. Of course I was in and so was K so the three of us ventured to downtown Baltimore.

When we walked in I immediately got a weird vibe. There was something different about this bar. Upon further inspection K and I came to realize this was a gay bar! Holy crap! I looked at K and we just shook our heads and laughed. Terry had taken us to a gay bar. I had no problem with that because nobody party like the gays! We had always suspected Terry of being gay and this just confirmed it. Keep in mind now that Terry was still "in the closet" at work as all we had to go on was our gut instincts but we knew.

It was further confirmed when Terry started chasing some chick around the bar. In Terry's defense the girl was cute. So as the night went on I found I was in desperate need of the ladies room so I asked Terry where it was. "I have to go too so I'll just go with you." she says. No problem. You know we girls always go to the bathroom in packs anyway.

We get upstairs to the bathroom and open the door and to my surprise there was only one toilet. The bathroom was like your typical one at home. Terry walks in behind me and shuts and locks the door. Oh oh! I turn around to face her and she says, "Oh yeah, there is only one toilet. You go ahead and use it first and I'll just turn around." Alrighty then. I finished my business and walked over to the sink to wash my hands and as I am doing so Terry starts her business. I kept my eyes as far away from the direction of the toilet as possible.

During this whole time we are making idle conversation. During this conversation she decided THIS was the perfect time to spill her guts and let me in on a little "secret". "I just wanted to let you know that I"m gay." You have me hold up in a bathroom alone and you think THIS is the right time to come out. Oy vey! I act as if I had no idea she was gay. It was an Oscar worthy performance people. Then she proceeds to say, "Don't tell K because I don't want the others at work to know." You have a butch haircut, masculine clothing and you take us to a gay bar and you think K has no idea you are gay? Way to keep it under wraps Terry.

For those of you that are contemplating coming out, it might not be the best time to divulge this information while hold up in a bathroom. I'm just saying.

Weekend Recap

The following weekend was bananas. I loved it though. Usually my weekends are pretty low key, most of the time, but I had a few parties to hit this weekend starting with my girl Clueless’s sister’s birthday party on Friday. The party was crowded and the music was wonderful and I stayed on the dance floor. It was great. I must admit that this getting old crap is for the birds. 20 years ago I stayed on the floor from the time I arrived at the party until the house lights came on signaling us to leave. This night my friends I was barely able to make it through 2 songs before I called it quits and sat my old ass down.

As I was sitting at the table with my girls this guy comes up and sits down and proceeded to give his best rap which was pathetic. He had no clue that he tried to talk to me several months ago when my girls and I were out at another spot. Guys, just an FYI, please try to remember when you have tried to talk to girl in the past and she blew you off. It could be embarrassing for you. Just trying to help you out here.

A few hours later we spot an ex boyfriend of mine and one of my girls yells, “Do I need to cut someone?” as she reached into her bra. You gotta love friends that have your back. I assured her he was cool. Disaster averted.

Then Saturday one of my oldest and closest friends gave herself a birthday dinner party. It was fabulous. She spent a pretty penny on the festivities. She made a speech to assure us that now with this milestone birthday she was going to become more mature. No more making out with random strangers at bars, no more showing her boobs, all of that was now over, we were looking at a new and improved woman. 20 minutes later she is accosting some hot guy as they were both coming out of the bathrooms at the same time (Men and Women’s’ rooms are next to each other.). Yeah, that goodie too shoes pledge will last I’m sure. She is the same person I am going to LA with next week. God help me.

Oh Boy My Weekend….

Friday night was supposed to be just a simple happy hour orchestrated by my girlfriend Crazy. The happy hour was held at a local hotel chain in downtown Baltimore.

Things were going along wonderfully until someone in our group decided they wanted to go to another spot afterwards and the others quickly jumped onboard. Since I was not driving that evening I just went along with the program.

I thought we were going to some rinky dink hole in the wall bar but when we arrived I looked at the plaque on the door and it said “American Legion Hall”. American Legion Hall???? I don’t go to American Legion Halls!

We opened the door and walked in and was decidedly confused on where to go from there. We spotted a bar behind a closed door on our left so we opened the door and went inside. It was just as I feared. Nothing but a bunch of people 20 + years older then us!! What in the…..???

Don’t get me wrong, I love older people but I was not prepared to party with them that evening. There was an eclectic group of pimps and drunks strewn all around for your viewing pleasure.

Then if that wasn’t bad enough the DJ would play a song and as soon as you started to get into it he’d switch up and play another song! Dude, that is DJ 101, “Don’t play a snippet of a song. People can’t get into the music if you keep changing it as soon as it begins.”

I just sat at the table taking in the sights, trying to stay wake when all of a sudden my girl Clueless says, “I can’t get in touch with the kids. They’re not answering their phones. I have to go and check on them to make sure their OK.” Before she could even finish that sentence I was up by the front door with my purse slung over my shoulder yelling back, “Aaaawwww, we have to go? Doggonit!” I wasn’t too eager to leave was I?

The Senior Prom

I’ve never shared this with you all but my mother lives in an assisted living facility. She’s pretty young compared to the average age median there so she pretty much stays to herself. She can be such a snob at times.

Last Friday the facility put on a Senior Prom for the residents. They sent me a notice and asked that all RSVP’s be in by April 1st. Well of course I never even broached the subject with my mother because her being the snob that she is would surely have looked at me as if I had 3 heads and told me with out a doubt, “NO!” so I simply threw the invitation in the trash and went on with life. Completely forgetting about said Senior Prom until I received a call from one of the employees telling me that they had gotten my mother out of her room, got her dressed and she was down at the prom and I should come see her.

I was thrilled that they got her out of the room because she had been camped out there for months now. I walked into the dining room and it was decorated really nicely with banners and balloons and they had a live band whom were really good might I say. The old folks were all dressed up in their dresses and suites and ties and dancing. I was speechless. It was the cutest thing I had seen in ages.

As I moved further into the dining room to search for my mother nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. There, sitting in her wheelchair looking on at the festivities was my mother all dressed up with her hair pulled back in a really nice bun and get this, they put make up on her! She looked phenomenal. I was flabbergasted. I walked over to her and said, “Oooohhhh look at you all done up. You look great.” She simply smiled and said thank you.

I stood by her for a good while until one of the employees pulled up a chair for me to sit. I don’t know about anybody else but I was having a ball watching the old folks get their party on. You would have thought it was my prom the way my eyes twinkled at all the sights. I looked over at my mother and asked her, “Are you having a good time?” In true Queen Diva fashion she just simply shrugged her shoulders and said, “Eeehhh. I guess.”

I sent my two younger brothers a picture of mom that I snapped with my camera phone to which the youngest one replied “Make sure she gets back to her room at a respectable hour. You know what happens at these proms.” Eeeiiiwww, thanks for the visual.

Teenage Parties

Last weekend I attended a friend's daughter's Sweet 16 birthday party. She threw the party in conjunction with another one of her girlfriends that was also having a birthday.

It was a cute little party. There were several young girls and boys in attendance. What I found very interesting though was that throughout the entire evening the kids stood in the middle of the dance floor and several times I noticed that the boys stood on one side of the floor while the girls stood on the other. I don't think they once intermingled enough to dance with each other.

I looked at one of my girlfriends that were there and said, "Look at them! Were we ever like that?"

Her answer "NO!"

I've been trying to remember back to the dark ages when I was their age and wondered if we were like that. Scared to interact and dance with one another. Too shy to really get too close to the opposite sex.

Maybe it was just my hot ass always wanting to get close to the cute boy at the dance then. Oh well.

Way To Come out!

Ok, a few years ago I used to work as a technical trainer for this software training company. We were doing so well that we needed to add an additional trainer to our staff. They hired this woman that was actually really nice. We'll call her Bea. As time went on Bea and I became really good friends. I liked her alot.

Well, as fate would have it, I decided it was time to move on to bigger and better things so I gave my two week notice that I was leaving. My boss and co workers decided on my last day to take me out to dinner to celebrate my new job and to wish me well. I thought it was a very sweet gesture.

We all gathered at this really cool restaurant and ate and laughed and had a really good time. When we were done we realized the night was still young so Bea had this brilliant idea to keep the party going and drop in on this really happening night spot downtown. Kay (another co-worker) and I were down so the three of us went on to this club after dinner.

Once we got in there Kay and I immediately realized this was not your ordinary bar. Oh no. As we all stood around talking and drinking and playing pool in the back Kay and I kept feeling this weird vibe going on in this place but kinda brushed it off.

As time went on I needed to visit the little girls room. As I announced my intent Bea suddenly realized she had to go as well. No biggie. We find the ladies room and once I opened the door I noticed that there was just one stall in this one bathroom. I was a little apprehensive. Bea seeing my trepidation said, "You go ahead first. I'll just turn my head while you go." A little weirded out I agreed and began to use the bathroom. While doing so Bea and I are holding a conversation. "So Diva, how are you enjoying this place?"

"Oh it's a cool spot. Lots of fun."

"You notice any weirdness?" she asks.

Oh, you mean besides you standing in the bathroom while I pee. Not at all. "No. No weirdness, just like a funny vibe or something."

"I don't know if you noticed this or not but this is a gay bar." she says.

OK! That explains the vibe I was getting. I'm cool. I can deal. No problem. "Oh. OK. I've never been to a gay club before."

"I come here alot. I don't know if you noticed or not but I'm gay too."

Oh noooo!!! I have never stopped peeing so quickly in my life!!! I zipped up my pants so fast I got dizzy. I tried not to act phased by what she said and simply replied, "Oh really. I hadn't notice."

She picks this very moment to come out. This very moment when we are both locked in a bathroom together with my pants down to tell me some crap like this. After I washed my hands I told her, "I'll wait for you outside."

Damn if I'm gonna get caught in there now. She and I remained friends for years afterward but that was a weird night. lol

Just an FYI....people, please rethink coming out when you are locked in a bathroom with someone. I'm just saying.

My Embarrasing Weekend

I hope you all had a great weekend. I had several things on my agenda for this weekend but unfortunately I was not able to finish everything. My weekend started out really nice.

I attended a surprise birthday party of Friday which was really nice. I danced my behind off! It was great. I saw a couple of people I didn't expect to see and that was cool.

Saturday I went to the hairdresser. I was STARVING when I got out of there. I don't know why you have to spend all freaking morning in the darn hair salon. Oh well.... I decided to stop off at one of my favorite quick little spots, Noo.dles & Com.pany. I usually get the Penne Rosa which is divine but I decided to try something new and ordered the Japanese Pan Noodles. I got home and began to eat. It was all good for about 30 minutes when I started to feel a rumbling in my stomach. I just dismissed this as I thought maybe it was a result of my wolfing this food down as if I hadn't had a meal in a year, This "rumbling" continued for the next couple hours. Then the rumbling turned to cramps.

I was practically doubled over. What made this matter worse was that I had to get dressed and attend a holiday party with The Analyst for his job. I managed to get dressed and we made it to the party and all was fine except I continued to feel nauseous the entire evening. I couldn't decide if I had to do a number 2 or if this would be resolved by coming out the over end. I kept going back and forth to the rest room to no avail.

I felt pretty bad for The Analyst as I wasn't my usual jovial, social self since I wasn't feeling up to par. As I was sitting there this overwhelming sensation came over my mouth and I knew what that meant so I ran to the rest room then all of a sudden "BAM" I found relief. Just as this was occurring The Analyst, alarmed that I was gone for so long, sent someone in to check on me. In between heaves I assured her I was OK.

I finally got myself together and was fine the rest of the evening.

How embarrassing to get sick at your boyfriends holiday party.